Category: Recognize/Respond

So you’ve called the local reporting agency in your area and reported the child sexual abuse, one of the biggest steps you can take. Now, what should you do to take care of your child?

Get your child into therapy as soon as possible.

If you do not have health insurance or your health insurance won’t pay for therapy, most states have a crime victims fund that will help pay. There may be some limitations to this, such as needing to find a therapist who is approved for crime victims work, or the fund only paying for so much therapy. I have seen the crime victims fund also pay for a medical exam, therapy for the child, mileage to and from the therapist, medication, and possible counseling for parents. Talk to your local crime victims advocate to find out what they can do for your child and for you.

Find a therapist who has been trained in trauma-focused therapy and is trauma-sensitive.

If your child is younger, try to find a therapist trained in a sand tray and/or play therapy that deals with trauma. Many times, children tell their story through their play and share details they can’t or don’t know how to verbalize. It is okay for you to meet with the therapist to see if they are a good fit for you, but especially for your child. Watch how your child responds to the therapist. Does the therapist get down on their level? Are they condescending to the child? Are they warm and nurturing? Trust your gut on this.

It is very important that your child is believed and supported.

I have seen the damage done when parents don’t believe their child, minimize what happened, blame the child in any way, or try to brush it under the rug as if the abuse did not happen or wasn’t that bad. Remember whether the abuse happened once or several times, it is trauma. Being there for your child in every way can help to minimize the long-term effects of the abuse. Your child’s trust with another person was broken. You can help the child to see that you can be trusted and that not all adults are untrustworthy. Also, make sure you are clear with your child that the abuse was not their fault. Allow your child to talk when they need to, but don’t ask a lot of questions. Don’t try to solve the child’s problems for them. You can offer choices or suggestions, but in the end, your child will become more empowered by making their own decisions.

Your child may experience triggers at any moment.

A trigger is something that reminds a person of the trauma they experienced. This could be a place, person, smell, time of day, or many other things. Most likely you may be aware of some of them but not all. When a child experiences a trigger, they may feel like they are back in the moment when the trauma occurred and feel the exact way they did (i.e. scared, helpless, trapped). Work with your child’s therapist on techniques to help, such as deep breathing or getting a favorite blanket or stuffed animal. Your child needs to feel safe and supported by you regardless of how you feel or what you believe at the moment.

Your reaction and what you do after the abuse are key in helping your child heal. Use the resources available to you to help in the process and take care of yourself as well. Your child needs to interact with a parent or loved one that is healthy and trustworthy. Try to maintain a consistent schedule, routine, and household. This can help your child feel safe and secure and be less anxious about what could happen. Love your child unconditionally and be present for them. Understand that healing takes time and there is no specific time frame in the healing process.

If you’ve found yourself in the difficult situation of either knowing or suspecting that sexual abuse is happening, you may have questions or hesitations about reporting the abuse. However, it is important to report what is going on so that the abuse will stop and all those involved can be connected with the resources they need to begin recovering and healing.

We don’t want to downplay how hard and scary it can be to face the prospect of reporting sexual abuse. There are numerous reasons that you might not want to report. The perpetrator could be someone you love and care about, including a family member or even a child or teenager. You might feel like reporting will be disruptive and the abuse is none of your business. You might tell yourself that you should be absolutely certain that abuse is happening before you report.

Despite the legitimate concerns you may have, consider what’s at stake for the child who is being abused. Children who experience trauma like sexual abuse can suffer consequences for the rest of their lives. You need to do what you can to stop that trauma from occurring, and if sexual abuse has occurred, continuing. Here are some practical questions you might have about reporting in the United States.

There are other resources out there to help if you still have questions about reporting and if you need support throughout the process.

Stop it Now: 1-888-PREVENT (888-773-2362).

Childhelp: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (800-422-4453).

State Statutes Database

When it comes to protecting your children from sexual abuse, one of the most important tools at your disposal is education. If you learn the facts, signs, and perpetrator patterns for childhood sexual abuse, you will be better prepared to defend the innocence of your children.

A former FBI profiler, Kenneth V. Lanning, divided child sexual abuse perpetrators into three different categories. Each has different grooming patterns that they use to gain access to children.

Below are the Three Types of Perpetrators and How Each Usually Behaves:

Though these are the three major categories, not everyone will fall under just one. They may show signs of more than one, like a family member who behaves like a groomer instead of a granter. The important thing to remember is that YOU are your child’s biggest protector. Educating yourself about who and what to look for will make a big difference in keeping your child safe.

Perhaps you’ve noticed a few of the physical or behavioral signs of sexual abuse in your child or a child you are close to. What now?

Most governments have clear laws on what you should do if you suspect child abuse. Learn your local laws so you know the steps to take and the order in which to do them.

But, more immediately, how should you respond and what should you say to your child? Here are eight things that can help you respond to the situation after you’ve recognized the signs.

You may feel overwhelmed with your responsibility in this situation, but recognize that you are helping your child, do your best, and get the help necessary. You’re their parent, guardian, or trusted adult. What you do can, and will, make a huge difference in helping them reclaim hope and manage their recovery.

Perpetrators of child sexual abuse are not those scary men who lurk around playgrounds looking for opportunities. In fact, according to the Crimes Against Children Research Center, 90% of children who are sexually abused know their perpetrator.

Perpetrators of sexual abuse are anywhere and everywhere. They are charismatic everyday people who earn the trust of others. They could be a staff member at your child’s school; they could be your child’s coach or music instructor; they could be at your church; they could be the nanny; they could be your very own family member.

The truth is that sexual perpetrators look and act like any other “normal” person. It can be difficult to pick them out.

However, there are things that almost all perpetrators have in common: they often use certain behaviors to groom a child for abuse. These behaviors are methodical, subtle, gradual, and escalating (meaning they intensify as time goes by). We typically refer to these as grooming behaviors.

While this might be frightening to think about, knowing these grooming patterns will help you to know how to identify grooming behavior, strengthen your parenting intuition, and help significantly lower the risk of your child being sexually abused and recognize signs of grooming behavior.

Six common grooming behaviors that every parent needs to know:

A Disclaimer

It is common to read these grooming behavior signs and identify people who do some of these things, but that doesn’t automatically make them a perpetrator. The goal of talking and being informed about these grooming behaviors is to strengthen your intuition and help you be on alert.

With that said, if you ever see these behaviors and feel like something is wrong, you can use a strategy we call “confronting with kindness” to help protect your child. Confronting with kindness includes only two steps:

If the individual did the behavior innocently, they will likely be very apologetic and in the future keep those boundaries. If the individual is, in fact, a perpetrator, they will be put on high alert, and it is rare that they would continue to groom your child. If perpetrators know you are watching, they will usually stop targeting your child.

The number one thing to remember is that you are responsible to stay informed, and take an active part in your child’s life.

You can do this. The simple actions you take to stay informed can be the very things that protect your child from danger.