Mom with autistic son sitting in front of computer

The 3 Ways I Taught My Special Needs Son About Sex

Talking about sex is awkward.
Talking about sex with your child is even more awkward.

Talking about sex with your son who has autism goes beyond awkward and into the realm of “How the heck am I even going to start to explain this to him?”

That’s where I am right now. My son has high-functioning autism, he’s almost 10, and I’m pretty sure he’s about to start going through puberty. He’s always been big for his age, and the pediatrician warned me he might go through puberty early; looks like his prediction is coming true. Lucky me.

The first thing I did was reach out to other moms of kiddos with autism to see if they had any advice. They all had advice for how to get him to take care of his hygiene, but none of them had any real advice on how to talk to him about sex and all the things that go along with it. Most of them seem surprised that I even wanted to tell him about that when he was so young.

I’m a single mom, and my son has special needs – both of those factors increase the chances that he’ll be sexually abused. I am not going to withhold information from him about healthy sexuality (that could prevent abuse from happening) just because I feel awkward. Lucky for me, I work at Saprea, and I have access to people who could help me figure out how to traverse this new milestone in autism mothering.

I would love to give you a list of ten amazing things I was able to do that made everything clear to him and allowed him to understand everything perfectly, but I can’t. Like everything with parenting, I’m doing my best and hoping some of it works! Here are three things I’ve tried so far and how they worked for us.

01

WE READ BOOKS TOGETHER

My son loves to read, so I thought this might be a great place to start. Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of books about puberty for boys and none that I’ve been able to find for kids with special needs. Two books that have been helpful are Sex is a Funny Word by Cory Silverberg and Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys by Cara Natterson. We read them together. He wanted to skip some things or got embarrassed about some of it, but we had lots of good conversations, and he was able to get the information in a way that made sense to him. I felt comfortable giving him the Guy Stuff book and letting him read it on his own, but I felt like I needed to read Sex is a Funny Word with him because it is a little more sex-related (obviously), and I wanted to be there to explain things to him.
Pros: The information was accurate, the illustrations were fun, and we were able to talk about respect, consent, and what a relationship should look like. I learned a lot about what he wants his future relationships to look like.
Cons: He now blames everything on puberty. He actually said to me, “Mom, my butt itches. I think it might be puberty.”
Conclusion: This was the easiest thing I did, but he didn’t want to keep doing it every night. Now we touch on it about every other week.

02
WE TALKED ABOUT IT

I sat him down and tried to ask questions and start a conversation. I’ll be honest – this was doomed from the start. He was not interested in having a “boring” conversation with me. He hates talking anyway but talking to his mom about love, sex, and relationships were (apparently) the worst topic possible.
Pros: I was able to tell him that he can talk to me about any of this kind of stuff whenever he wants.
Cons: You can’t have a conversation with a kid who doesn’t like to talk, so it was a lot of me talking and him listening or me asking questions and him being annoyed I wouldn’t leave him alone.
Conclusion: This doesn’t work for a kiddo who doesn’t talk or has a difficult time talking. But I tried it, and that’s what matters!

03
I TALKED ABOUT IT IN FRONT OF HIM, BUT NOT TO HIM.

My son always listens attentively, even when I’m not talking to him. I decided to use that to my advantage and talk about sexuality, puberty, relationships, and healthy interactions when he was around. I brought it up with friends and family members – different topics and subjects each time – and discussed with them all the things I wanted him to know about.
Pros: The words were said (so I know he’s at least hearing them), and it helped other people in my life get used to talking about healthy sexuality.
Cons: I don’t know what he wants to know more about or if he has any questions. And I have no idea what information he’s taking away from these overheard conversations.
Conclusion: I have no idea how effective this is, but I can tell he’s listening. It also gave me the opportunity to learn what other moms and people I care about think about various things, and I loved talking about it with them.

This parenting thing is hard and having a child with special needs brings its own challenges. Don’t excuse yourself or your child from learning about healthy sexuality just because it’s difficult to talk about. If you learn nothing else from me, I hope you’ll take away the lesson that it’s worth trying. Just keep trying.

SUGGESTED READING:
Sex is a Funny Word by Cory Silverberg
Disclaimer: As an Amazon affiliate, The Younique Foundation gets a small commission if you buy from these links that help to support our cause at no extra cost to you.

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Mother and teenage daughter with foreheads together looking at each other hugging at sunset.

6 Important Principles to Teach Your Child about Sex

There are six basic sexual health principles that can guide someone in making decisions about their sexuality. These are important concepts to teach your child or teen, in addition to learning and modeling them in your own life. Within each of these principles, you’ll want to discuss safety, trust, communication, respect, and accurate information—all of which are key to achieving sexual health and happiness. As you read these, think through how they relate to you and your family, and decide if there are other rights or principles you want to add when you talk to your child or teen about them. Not everything below is appropriate for all ages. Use your judgment to decide what your child is ready for.

Consent

Consent is the full, continuous, mutual agreement to sexual activity between the individuals involved. Consent includes the right to:

  • Choose what you participate in, what you don’t participate in, or abstain from completely.
  • Change your mind at any time.
  • Fully understand what you are agreeing to.

Non-Exploitation

Exploitive relationships use coercion and power differentials to benefit one individual over another. You have the right to non-exploitive relationships and to:

  • Feel safe in your sexual activities.
  • Not be taken advantage of due to age, gender, religion, ability, race, etc.
  • Voice your needs, concerns, and preferences as they relate to your sexuality.
  • Not please others at your own expense.

Protection

Protection from STIs, HIV, and unwanted pregnancy comes through medically accurate education, information about the risk partners pose to each other, and access to appropriate healthcare and resources. You have the right to:

  • Ask about the risk your partners pose to your sexual health.
  • Deny sexual contact without use of protection or deny sexual contact altogether.
  • Educate yourself and others about types of protection.

Honesty

Honesty is being truthful within sexual relationships. Partners should voluntarily share important information in an environment of safety and trust. You have the right to:

  • Be honest with yourself and your partners.
  • Give and receive accurate information, even when stakes are high.
  • Ask questions of your sexual partners that impact your sexual and emotional health.

Values

Sexual activities can have different meanings for different people. Sharing sexual values can help to clarify what is acceptable for each person in the relationship and create clear expectations. You have the right to:

  • Take time to know your own and your partners’ values around sex.
  • Have your values respected without being belittled or condemned.
  • Feel safe sharing the values that you have and why you have them.

Pleasure

Safe sexual experiences built on trust have the ability to bring enjoyment and satisfaction to those involved. You have the right to:

  • Find your personal sexual preferences, expressions, and desires.
  • Feel safe when exploring sexuality.
  • Experience consensual pleasure without pain.

As you think through these principles and share them with your child, you may find things that resonate more at different times and in different situations. Having open and honest conversations about sex and healthy sexuality is one of the most important things you can do with your child or teen. It can prevent them from being sexually abused, help them have happier and healthier relationships, and allow them to make more informed choices around sex and sexuality.

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Teens holding hands.

5 Tips to Help Your Teen on Their First Date

A day you have been worried about since your child was born has arrived: your son or daughter is about to go on their first date. Questions flood your mind. Is my child really old enough to be doing this? Will their date treat them with respect? Will they treat their date with respect? Have I talked to my teen enough about setting boundaries? As your teen starts to date, there will probably be a couple of bumps along the way. (Do you remember your first dates?) But here are some things you can do to help things be easier.

01

Assume your teen has questions and concerns.

Teens are often quiet and uncommunicative. Don’t assume that just because your teen isn’t talking to you about dating and sex it means that they don’t have concerns. Parenting educator Debra Haffner notes that there are many reasons teens are quiet about these topics: “They may just be shy about these issues. They may think that they should know everything by this point. They may not know how to ask you about this subject.”1 Every teen has questions about dating; don’t interpret silence as a lack of interest or a lack of curiosity.

02

Talk about sex, physical affection, and consent.

Hopefully you’ve been having productive conversations about sexuality since your child was young. If not, it’s not too late! The beginning of dating is a good time to reinforce information about sex, physical affection, and consent. Highlight your values and expectations but realize your teen is getting older and developing their own views. As you discuss these topics, make sure your teen really understands everything you want them to. Sometimes parents think they’ve been more thorough than they have. For example, a study revealed that 73% of parents said they’d talked to their teens about sex whereas only 46% of teens said their parents had talked to them.2 Ideally, you and your teen are on the same page.

03

Empower your teen to make decisions.

As a parent, your impulse might be to make every decision for your child, especially when it comes to important things like relationships. The reality is that as your teen gets older, they’re going to make more and more decisions on their own. Researchers have observed that a key element of healthy sexual development is “support for decision-making about sex and relationships.”3 You can’t make the decisions for your child, but you can empower them to make good decisions for themselves and make it clear that you’re there to talk to them about their choices and decisions.

04

Have a contingency plan.

Hopefully your teen will have good dating experiences that bring happiness and build confidence but acknowledge that your teen could potentially find themselves in a situation where they are uncomfortable. Make it clear that you are always available to get them out of a bad situation. For example, maybe you have a code word, and if your teen texts it to you, you immediately call with a “family emergency” and request that your child come home. If your child needs an excuse to get out of a situation, be that excuse.

05

Teach your teen to watch for red flags.

Your teen might need help recognizing potentially possessive and abusive behaviors. For example, help them understand that it’s not okay for someone to demand to see text messages they’ve sent to others or be jealous if they spend time with their friends. These behaviors might seem obviously problematic to you, but remember that your teen is doing all of this for the first time. They may think these behaviors are a normal part of being in a relationship.

Talking about sensitive topics can feel awkward and uncomfortable, but chances are your teenager won’t bring up these issues if you don’t. As a parent, it’s your job to take the lead. Help your teen stay safe as they make the first steps into dating.

References:
2. Diiorio, C., Pluhar, E. & Belcher, L. (2003). Parent-Child Communication About Sexuality: A Review of the Literature from 1980-2002. Journal of HIV/AIDS Prevention & Education for Adolescents & Children, 5(3-4), 7-32.
3. Santelli, J. S., Kantor, L. M., Grilo, S. A., Speizer, I. S., Lindberg, L. D., Heitel, J., . . . & Ott, M. A. (2017). Abstinence-Only-Until-Marriage: An Updated Review of U.S. Policies and Programs and Their Impact. Journal of Adolescent Health, 61(3), 400-403.

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It’s Never Too Late to Talk to your Teen about Sex

So you haven’t had the “sex talk” with your teen yet. Well, you’re not alone! Many parents of teenagers came from a generation where their parents never talked to them about sex. As a result, parents of today may not be comfortable talking to their children about sex either. The discomfort can make us put off having conversations. If you fit in that category, it’s not too late (and you’re not alone)!

The reality is that it’s difficult to keep today’s teenagers away from learning about sex outside of home. They learn about sex through social media, television, movies, and peers, and they learn about sex as early as elementary school. All of this outside information can be dangerous! Your teenager may be learning things that are not true, not healthy, and not helpful. You may be depending on your teenager’s school to teach them about sex. At school, they may learn the biology of their bodies, but it doesn’t mean they totally understand sex. The other problem is that most of these other methods of learning do not teach about healthy relationships, boundaries, dating, consent, intimacy, and the emotions that arise through sexual experiences. That means it’s up to you to educate your teenager. And there’s no time like the present!

There are many resources you can go to for ideas on how to start the conversation and what to say. Our website has suggestions based on your child’s age. Here are a couple of other ideas:

Get to know your child on a more personal level.

Spending time with them is the best way to do this. Learn more about their interests and hobbies. Once you feel your relationship is in a good place, ask your teenager what they already know or what questions they may have about sex.

Communicate openly.

As you have conversations about sex, try hard not to look surprised or bothered by anything your teen may say. Avoid judgment statements! If you show discomfort, they will be uncomfortable. In my experience, your teenager will likely shut down if you show any of these signs. Try to talk to them as an adult and not in a condescending manner. Don’t expect that they will talk to you the first time you ask questions. Try to be open with them about any topic. That will open up the door to them feeling comfortable to talk to you about sex.

If you struggle to start the conversation, wait for an opportunity.

When you’re watching a movie or television show that raises issues about sexuality, ask them what they think about what they are watching and what questions they may have. You can point out where sources, such as television, may set unrealistic expectations like sex always being wonderful for both parties, there was consent, it was true love, etc. Another good time to talk about intimacy is if your teenager brings up a problem that one of their friends is having in a relationship.

Recognize that you and your teen might have differing views.

Remember, even though you have raised your child, they may not have the same values and beliefs about sex as you. That doesn’t mean don’t teach them, but educate instead of shame. Validate their feelings, including feelings of arousal and/or confusion.

It really is never too late to talk to your teenager about this topic even if they have already had sexual experiences. Giving them information and being there for them will only empower them and prepare them for whatever comes their way. It will also improve your relationship with your teenager as they feel understood and listened to. And finally, as my 17-year-old son advises, “Keep it casual!”

About the Author

Annette Curtis

Annette Curtis, LCSW, earned her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Brigham Young University and her Master’s degree in Social Work from the University of Utah. She has worked with children, adolescents, and families for over 23 years, primarily with youth in the foster care system due to abuse and neglect. She has worked extensively with clients who have experienced sexual abuse and trauma. Annette has been involved in training locally as well as presentations nationally on teaching healthy sexuality to children and parents, warning signs of sexual abuse, and how to respond and support a child who has experienced abuse. She is dedicated to helping survivors of sexual abuse develop skills and learn to heal from their trauma.

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Father and son sitting on the sofa talking. The son has a mischievous look on his face but looking intently at his father.

Innocent Not Ignorant: The Importance of Little Talks

Guest blog post written by Chris Yadon, Executive Director

Have you ever had a parent victory moment? It is one of those times when your kid does something that shows they are listening to you – that you are having a positive impact on them. Your chest swells with all sorts of positive feelings.

I had one of those moments the other day. I was watching a college football game with my 10-year-old son. A commercial came on about erectile dysfunction. There was a line in the commercial that encouraged you to check with your doctor to decide if your heart is healthy enough to have sex. My son looked over at me with a shy look and a little grin and said, “Dad, are they talking about THAT?” With a warm smile, I said, “Yes, they are talking about THAT.”

You may be thinking to yourself, “How is that a victory? It just sounds uncomfortable.” It was a victory moment because my son felt comfortable enough with me to engage in a little talk about healthy sexual development. He was a little shy about it, but he wasn’t ashamed or afraid. At that moment, I knew that, at least to this point in his life, we had open communication about sexuality.

Consider the alternative. Let’s say he didn’t feel comfortable. At age 10, he’s probably heard something about sex from somebody, somewhere. Even if he doesn’t understand the details, he knows enough to be curious. That curiosity could easily drive him to ask a friend about sex or, even worse, ask Google. The last thing I want is him googling erectile dysfunction or sex. That’s a disaster waiting to happen.

In past generations, keeping our kids ignorant of sex was a possibility. One might argue that the best way to defend their innocence is to maintain their ignorance until they are older. But that’s not possible in our current world. Our kids are going to run across sexuality somewhere. Maybe it will be on the playground, maybe while doing a school assignment online, or maybe while watching college football on a Saturday afternoon.

Kids will turn to parents who have had ongoing, age-appropriate dialogue with their kids about sexuality. The parents will be there in those impromptu moments to provide accurate, healthy information about sexual development. And, in time, it won’t be awkward or confusing for them or their kids.

One of the best ways to defend the innocence of our children is to give age-appropriate education through a lot of little talks. This gives them a sense of safety and confidence. Defending a child’s ignorance is not defending innocence.

About the Author

Chris Yadon

Chris Yadon is the Executive Director of The Younique Foundation, which also manages Saprea. His passion is to educate parents on how to protect their children from sexual abuse and encourage healthy sexuality. Chris is grateful to be the father of 3 boys and 3 girls that range from 18 years to 18 months. When there is free time, Chris loves to be on the lake, take occasional ski days, and kick box, a recently found passion.

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A young adult holding phone while seated at desk about to turn their phone on

Pornography and Child Sexual Abuse

Did you know that showing pornography to a child is a form of sexual abuse?

It’s a common myth that child sexual abuse always includes physical contact. There are three types of perpetrators of child sexual abuse: grabbers, granters, and groomers. Groomers, especially, may start by showing pornography to a child before they move on to physically touching a child.

This is one way that they manipulate and blackmail a child. They show sexually explicit images and then make the child feel guilty for having looked at them. They use it as leverage, holding it over the child’s head so they won’t tell anyone what’s happening.

The Effects of Pornography

According to the U.S. Department of Justice, “Never before in the history of telecommunications media in the United States has so much indecent (and obscene) material been so easily accessible by so many minors in so many American homes with so few restrictions.”

Exposure to pornography in and of itself can have negative effects on a child, according to a study done in 2009 by Dr. Michael Flood, a sociologist who specializes in gender and sexuality studies. It can lead to children mimicking what they see or thinking that what they’ve seen is normal sexual behavior. Generally, pornography doesn’t depict loving, healthy, communicative relationships. If a child sees these at a young age, it may negatively change the way they view sex, love, and relationships.

Even if no adult shows a child pornography, a child may stumble upon it on their own. According to Covenant Eyes 2015 annual report, 9 out of 10 boys and 6 out of 10 girls are exposed to pornography before the age of 18. It’s important, as parents and caregivers, to discuss healthy sexuality with children and let them know that pornography, should they see it, is something they should talk to you about. Situations like that can lead to great teaching opportunities as long as you stay open to them and open to talking to your child about them when they come along.

Have a Conversation About Pornography

Don’t allow your child’s view of sex to be hijacked by pornography. Talk openly and often about healthy sexuality. There are appropriate conversations you can have at any age. Check in with them frequently to make sure that you know what they’ve been exposed to, when, and by whom—allowing you to identify potential groomers. Let them know that they can come to you with questions or concerns. Become a safe space for your child so that if they are exposed to pornography, especially by an adult, they know they can talk to you about it.

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Healthy sexual development is important to discuss in little talks with your older teen.

6 Little Talks on Healthy Sexual Development to Have With Your Older Teen

One obstacle for many parents when it comes to teaching their child about healthy sexual development is what to teach, and when. Every age range is different, and the “Little Talks” series is designed to help you teach your kids at every age. The teenage years are just as important in teaching about healthy sexual development.

For older teens (ages 16 to 18), the physical changes of puberty have pretty much stabilized and they have an increased ability to think long term and more abstractly.

While their peers still play an important part in their life, the desire to conform is less important for older teens. This is also the age where dating becomes more important and more emotionally connecting; there is also an increased physical desire for sexual interactions and intimacy.

At this age, if you haven’t created open communication with your older teen already, it may be difficult to talk to them about anything, especially healthy sexual development. But this topic is important enough that you should put any hesitancy aside and start the conversation about the topics below:

01
SEXUAL HEALTH

Have an open discussion with your teen about contraception and your values around first intercourse. Be sure that they understand the full implications of making such a decision at this age, the dangers of unprotected sex, and the precautions to take in relationships if they choose to be sexually active.

02
DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

If your teen hasn’t been taught about the negative aspects of drug and alcohol use, they may not be equipped to make the right choice when that situation arises. Help them understand the connection between substance use and risky sexual behaviors.

03
HEALTHY BODY IMAGE

Continue to support your child’s self-esteem. Compliment their whole self. Their beauty, intelligence, and talents are all quite tenuous for them right now. As they are looking more toward the future, they need frequent reminders from you about how amazing they really are.

04
RELATIONSHIPS, CONSENT, AND RESPECT

Show and teach them what a healthy relationship should look like. Continue to educate them about consent—both for themselves and others. Teach them the role respect should play in their relationships.

05
APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES AND SEXUAL ABUSE

Empower them to set boundaries with the people in their lives. Talk openly about sexual abuse and what they should do if it occurs, has occurred, or if they are worried it will occur.

06
MEDIA

Have discussions about how sexuality, body image, and gender roles are portrayed in the media. Include a discussion on pornography and the dangers that can come from viewing sex and relationships through that type of media.

As your child is growing older the conversations you have with them should mature as well. Remain open and supportive. Be a safe space for them to come and voice concerns, questions, or problems they are experiencing, sexual or otherwise.

Talking to Your Kids at All Ages

You can talk to your child about healthy sexual development no matter the age. Below we have links to articles about what you should cover in each age range. Always take the time to think through what you’re going to say and remember to keep your child’s maturity in mind. And remember, every time you have a little talk it makes it a little easier to have the next one.

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Healthy sexual development is important to discuss in little talks with your younger teen.

8 Little Talks on Healthy Sexual Development to Have With Your Younger Teen

One obstacle for many parents when it comes to teaching their child about healthy sexual development is what to teach, and when. We want to help provide you with an outline of things that you may consider teaching at different age ranges. Of course some children are more or less mature than their peers, and you should adjust your talks accordingly.

For a younger teen (from ages 13 to 15) they may be struggling with the continuation or beginning of puberty. Girls mature more quickly and generally earlier than boys, which may cause some confusion or difficulties for both of them.

Both of them may have more mood swings, more interest in physical relationships, and pushing boundaries with authority figures—like their parents. They may also be a lot more focused on the present and may give little or no thought to long-term consequences.

At this age, if you haven’t created open communication with them, it may be difficult to talk to them about anything, especially healthy sexual development. But this topic is important enough that you should put any hesitancy aside and start the conversation about the topics below:

01
HEALTHY BODY IMAGE

Continue to support your child’s self-esteem. Compliment their whole self. Their beauty, intelligence, and talents are all quite tenuous for them right now. They need frequent reminders from you about how amazing they really are.

01
PUBERTY

As they’re changing and growing and experiencing puberty, make sure they know what’s going on with their bodies. Teens may not ask questions, so you might need to bring it up with them.

01
DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

Peers are extremely influential at this age. If your teen hasn’t been taught about the negative aspects of drug and alcohol use, they may not be equipped to make the right choice when that situation arises. Also help them understand the connection between substance use and risky sexual behaviors.

01
REINFORCE FAMILY VALUES

Every family has a value system. Now is the time to reinforce your family values and expectations. Younger teens often push against these value systems. Reminding them of what your values are and why you believe they are important is essential to open communication. With that said, be sure to make it safe for them to communicate with you if they choose to go against your values.

05
SEXUAL HEALTH AND INTERCOURSE

This can be very difficult to talk about, but it is imperative that you educate your teen about delaying sex as well as using contraception. An astonishing number of young teens will have sex for the first time at this age and it’s important that they know the dangers of unprotected sex, precautions they should take in relationships, and the significance of delaying sex. If your family promotes abstinence, be sure to create an environment where they will come talk to you if they choose to be sexually active. You don’t want them to hide the behavior from you.

06
RELATIONSHIPS, CONSENT, AND RESPECT

Show them and each them what a healthy relationship should look like. Continue to educate them about consent—both for themselves and others. Teach them the role respect should play in their relationships.

07
APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES AND SEXUAL ABUSE

Empower them to set boundaries with the people in their lives. Talk openly about sexual abuse and what they should do if it occurs, has occurred, or if they are worried it will occur.

08
MEDIA

Have discussions about how sexuality, body image, and gender roles are portrayed in the media. Include a discussion on pornography and the dangers that can come from viewing women, sex, and relationships through that type of media.

Your teen is more curious than ever about sex. They are trying to be independent and it may seem like they don’t want to have you in their life, but they need to know that you’re there for them. Be open and supportive and help them traverse this difficult time in their life.

Talking to Your Kids at All Ages

You can talk to your child about healthy sexual development no matter the age. Below we have links to articles about what you should cover in each age range. Always take the time to think through what you’re going to say and remember to keep your child’s maturity in mind. And remember, every time you have a little talk it makes it a little easier to have the next one.

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Healthy sexual development for 9 to 12 year olds.

7 Little Talks on Healthy Sexual Development to Have With Your 9- to 12-Year-Old

One obstacle for many parents when it comes to teaching their child about healthy sexual development is what to teach, and when. We want to help provide you with an outline of things that you may consider teaching at different age ranges. Of course some children are more or less mature than their peers and you should adjust your talks accordingly.

Children from ages 9 to 12, sometimes called “tweens,” may be dealing with a great many physical and hormonal changes. On average, girls are 10 or 11 years old and boys are 11 or 12 years old when puberty begins. With puberty comes heightened sexuality and a greater awareness of sex in the media. By discussing the items below, you’ll help them continue to develop a healthy view of sexuality.

Tweens may also have questions that they bring to you on their own—don’t shut them down! Answer them to the best of your ability and engage in a conversation. They will be more likely to come to you with problems if you are supportive of their questions.

01

SUPPORT HEALTHY BODY IMAGE

This age is when children are especially vulnerable to what makes them different from their peers physically. Be sure you are aware of how they view themselves and encourage them to have a positive outlook of their body and their abilities.  Reinforce the importance of their whole person as it relates to self-esteem, as they may place a large amount of their self-esteem on body image alone. For example, you can compliment your child on their talents, their work ethic, as well as their looks.

02

DISCUSS DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

This may seem young, but many adolescents start drinking or smoking at age 12 or 13. You want to address this with your child before it becomes an issue.

03

TALK ABOUT PUBERTY

There are a lot of physical and psychological aspects of puberty that you will want to share with your child. Armed with the proper education, they’ll feel less overwhelmed by all the changes occurring and be able to make sense of this confusing time of life.

04

TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, CONSENT AND RESPECT

Model for them what a healthy relationship should look like. Continue to educate them about consent—both for themselves and others. Teach them the role respect should play in their relationships and in practicing consent.

05

ADDRESS APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES AND SEXUAL ABUSE

Let them know that they are allowed to set boundaries with the people in their lives. Talk more explicitly about sexual abuse and what they should do if it occurs, has occurred, or if they are worried it will occur. This can be a rather difficult topic, but it’s imperative that you address it openly with your child at this age.

06

TEACH THEM ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION


This goes well with both consent and setting boundaries, but you want to empower your child to stand up for themselves, especially when it comes to their physical and emotional well-being.

07

TALK ABOUT MEDIA

This may include discussions about how sexuality, body image, and gender roles are portrayed. For example, you could address the way that women are often treated in advertising, on TV shows, and in movies. It should definitely include a discussion on pornography. It’s within this age group that most children are exposed to their first pornographic images.

This can be a difficult time for tweens and parents alike. A lot of things may be shifting in your relationship. Your child is pushing toward greater autonomy and you need to find the balance between giving them their freedom and keeping them safe. The greatest asset at this age will be open communication between you and your child. Encourage them to come to you with questions and problems. Let them know that you’re there for them and continue to be a safe person for them to confide in.

Remember, conversations don’t have to be perfect. Every time you do it you’ll become a little more comfortable, as will your child. The benefits of just trying will amaze you.

Talking to Your Kids at All Ages

You can talk to your child about healthy sexual development no matter the age. Below we have links to articles about what you should cover in each age range. Always take the time to think through what you’re going to say and remember to keep your child’s maturity in mind. And remember, every time you have a little talk it makes it a little easier to have the next one.

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Healthy sexual development little talks to have with your 5 to 8 year olds.

4 Little Talks on Healthy Sexual Development to Have With Your 5- to 8-Year-Old

At Saprea, we get a lot of questions about when and how you should begin talking to your children about healthy sexual development. Our answer for when is: right now! No matter the age of your child, you can start laying the groundwork for them to have a good understanding of their development.

Children from ages 5 to 8 are becoming more and more curious about their bodies and the bodies of others. By discussing the things below with them (and anything else you feel is appropriate), you’ll help them develop a healthy view of sexuality.

01

Educate them about reproduction.

Teach them the basics. This should be adjusted for their age and maturity level, but make sure they understand the concept. Be sure to use appropriate terms when you teach them. As your child gets closer to age 8, you may want to teach him or her about sexual intercourse. This may seem young, but you want to be the one to teach your child and if you wait too much longer, statistics show they will start hearing about sex from other sources.

  • For younger children this discussion may be as simple as explaining that a baby is made from a sperm and an egg and the baby grows in a uterus.

  • As they get older it may be appropriate for you to add more to this about the mechanics of how it occurs and give them an overview of it

  • Sometimes it’s easier to bring up this discussion with a little help. Here are some books that some of the parents at Saprea have found beneficial in discussing reproduction with their children.

02

Explain different sexual orientations and respect.

It is common for kids at this age to realize that not all families are the same. Help your child understand the different relationships they may notice.  Emphasize respect for all people, even if their values may differ from your own.

03

No one else has rights to their body.

Continue to reinforce that no one else has the right to look at their body or touch it without their consent. Let them know that if anyone makes them uncomfortable through touching, talk, or looking, they need to discuss it with you.

04

No means no.

Continue to remind them that they don’t have rights to anyone else’s body either. If your child is affectionate you can explain to them that not everyone wants hugs or kisses. If someone doesn’t want affection, they need to respect that.

Children at this age are beginning to hear things from peers at school and, as they’re exposed to more media, that may bring up questions. As you lead out on important conversations, your child will learn that you are a safe place for them to express questions that they will surely have. Encourage your child to talk to you about things that make them uncomfortable or that go against what you’ve taught them. An open dialogue is an essential part of protecting your child from child sexual abuse.

Talking to Your Kids at All Ages

You can talk to your child about healthy sexual development no matter the age. Below we have links to articles about what you should cover in each age range. Always take the time to think through what you’re going to say and remember to keep your child’s maturity in mind. And remember, every time you have a little talk it makes it a little easier to have the next one.

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