Woman tickling a child. They are both laughing.

An Aunt’s Commitment to Becoming a Defender

My Nephew and Niece

I have one niece and one nephew. My niece calls me exclusively by the nickname that she picked up when she first started talking. In fact, it’s a little unsettling to hear my actual name come out of her mouth. She has been described as bossy, but that’s just a result of her parents instilling in her a strong sense of self and the ability to have her own voice. She is incredibly sweet, even though she has her days when she collapses into a “princess sob.” She is just like any other kid: frustrated by being told they can’t stay up past their bedtime to play more. I’m frequently amazed by how cool, funny, and smart she is, and she hasn’t even reached double digits! I’ll tell her that she’s my favorite girl in the whole world, and my heart melts whenever she tells me I’m her favorite girl in the world, too. From time to time, I’ll ask a rhetorical question like, “Do you know how much I love you?” (Obviously, a lot.) And she’ll respond with something like, “Yeah, from the dirt to the top of the galaxy.” To which I can only respond, “That’s right.” I want her to continue to be the happy, smart, hilarious girl that she is.

The most often used word in my nephew’s vocabulary is “truck.” He loves firetrucks, dump trucks, and garbage trucks. If you are holding him and he is holding a toy vehicle, you will inevitably become a highway. He drives trucks up my arm, over my shoulder, and around my neck, and it usually gets stuck in my hair, and I have to expertly extricate it before he starts grabbing for the toy and I wind up with a bald patch. He loves to lay completely flat, face to the floor, so that he can be eye level with his little make-believe racetrack. He may not say much, but he is slowly expanding his repertoire of truck-related sound effects: growling for a revved engine, high-pitched squawking for backing up, and a very soft and timid “crssh” for collisions. He is such a sweet and playful little boy who wants to say hello to every parked truck we pass on a walk. He never wants anyone to leave the house without him, and he definitely does not want to be left out.

An Aunt and a Defender

It is a privilege to be a part of my niece’s and nephew’s childhoods and watch them grow and learn. I love them so much, it’s ridiculous. I may not be a parent, but I still have kids that I am responsible for defending, and I take my position on their line of defense seriously. To defend my niece and nephew, I need to be educated on how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with them, always communicating with their parents when something comes up that they should address, and never shaming them. Every adult in a child’s life is responsible for protecting them. Parents might be the first line of defense, but as an aunt, I can help. Even if you are not a parent, you likely know a kid, and you can be a part of their safe and happy childhood. They shouldn’t have to worry about anything else but being a kid.

1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before the age of 18, in the United States.

Just the thought of attaching my niece’s and nephew’s names to this heartbreaking statistic is enough to reduce me to tears. But shying away from this reality will not protect them. Being educated and informed will. They don’t need to know all of the dangers that are out there, but those of us concerned with protecting them do.

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Grandma's hands pinching the cheeks of her grandson. He doesn't seem to be enjoying it.

4 People Your Child Doesn’t Have to Hug During the Holidays

Holiday Hugs: Yes or No?

Think of the last time you upgraded your cell phone. You picked out a new phone that had everything you wanted. You were all set to go when a salesman swooped in to convince you that you needed something fancier and more expensive. He tried to talk you into buying a phone that had enough storage to fit every song ever recorded, the ability to find your car keys anywhere in the world, and space to store 10,000 contacts. And you can get all of these awesome features on a phone that costs $200 more than the one you originally decided to get. But do you really need any of that stuff? Is it worth the extra money? Chances are, probably not. So what do you say? “No thanks. I’ll take the phone I picked out.”

We all know that there are situations where saying yes just doesn’t make sense. Somewhere along the way, you learned that you had the power to say no, and this is something important for you to teach your child. Sure, there are situations where you don’t want your kid to say no—they don’t get to refuse to clean their room. But as a parent, you can help them identify situations where they have a say in what happens and empower them to use their voice and trust their intuition. People need to get their consent, and they need to seek consent from others.

One place where a child should have a say is in showing affection to people. Here at Saprea we’re big about letting kids be affectionate on their own terms. During the holidays, your child will be interacting with a lot of family and friends. When you get together with loved ones, tell your kid that they can decide how to interact. Here are four people your kid doesn’t have to hug this holiday season. If your child wants to hug, cool. If not, no big deal. Don’t force the hug. Let them know they have that choice to say no when these people want a hug:

  • Your Best Friend

    You may be excited to see your BFF from high school when he’s visiting for the holidays. Even though you’ve talked about him a lot, he’s still a stranger to your child. Forcing physical affection could be uncomfortable.

  • Your Second Cousin's Girlfriend

    There are bound to be a few distant relatives at one of your holiday family gatherings. You might be asking, “What’s this cousin up to again? He did an internship over the summer in Chicago, right? Or was it in Texas somewhere? Have I met this girlfriend before?” If you can’t remember much about this person, chances are he doesn’t remember your child too well and vice versa. Maybe skipping the hug is a better choice.

  • Grandma

    Okay, the random family members that show up at Thanksgiving dinner are one thing, but what about close relatives? What will grandma think if one of her grandkids doesn’t want to hug her? Let your kids know that there are lots of ways they can express affection. Ask grandma if she wants a fist bump or a high five. She might even think it’s cuter than a hug.

  • Santa Claus

    If you celebrate Christmas, this can be seen as a rite of passage for kids, but if your child isn’t excited about sharing their wish list with a stranger, no need to push it. Especially since sending a letter apparently works just as well.

A Hug Isn’t Just a Hug

This holiday season, give your child a voice and encourage them to use it. Teach them about consent. You can help your child develop intuition about their interactions and help them develop the confidence they need to communicate their preferences. Interactions with a grandparent might be pretty low stakes, but you’re helping your child develop a voice they can use in a future situation that really matters like when someone they’re dating tries to cross a line. Educating your child about sexual health happens over years in small but meaningful interactions. Start now.

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